Sad

Warning, this isn't very exciting or happy. Everyone's lifes aren't always happy and perfect, yet that is what 90% of everyone's blogs project. Are poeple afraid to post real life in their blogs? Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes it's refreshing to read that other people actually have problems too. There are only about 3 blogs that I read, that they actually post real stuff, not just the happy moments. Maybe this post will help someone realize that it's ok to not be perfect, probably not though! I have always tried to let poeple know that I am not perfect, and my blog has plenty of posts about me being at my wits end! This is one of those posts! You don't have to read it, actually I really don't expect anyone to.

So I was looking through my 2008 posts to find a picture of 'Suri Cruz' to show some girls at work and I was reminded of how many pictures I used to take and how cute my blog used to be. There are litterally probably only 10 pictures on our camera right now and it's been months since I emptied them off onto the computer.

I was also just reminded of a happier time. 2008 was such a good year for us, life has been so stressful lately with the economy and school. Our schedules are so insane lately, it's a joke. I knew it was draining us but, actually seeing visual proof was hard. Kyle litterally had to pay someone to make a pot luck item for us to take to a BBQ, that's how crazy our life is. I can't even explain it properly, and if I did you probably wouldn't believe it anyway!

People wonder how I work full time, go to school full time, and be a mom full time. People ask me if I'm tired, and how I do it. Well I don't do it successfully, that's for sure. I'm a crappy employee, late almost every shift (less then 5 minutes. Most of the time!) I am an awful student, I have been to class litteraly a hand full of times the entire semester. I just listen to online lectures the night before tests. My kids run a muck, constatnly just doing whatever they want, causing general chaos and havic! Don't even get me started on being a wife, I don't even know what that is! YES I'm tired, what a silly question. Friday morning I left my house at 7am and got home at 8am Saturday morning. Went to clinical all day and work all night. I live my life in a constant state of exhaustion, at any point, during any given day, during any activity, I could go to sleep. I am literally failing at life right now.

Positives! I am getting a two B's and an A-....once upon a time this would of bothered me. Oh no my 4.0, yeah who gives a shit about my 4.0 NO ONE is EVER going to see my grades! All they are going to care is that I graduated and passed my boards! SLCC requires you to maintain a 78% test average to continue in the program. When I leave a test it doesn't matter if I get a 78 or a 98 I feel the same, all that matters is I passed! This is my #1 advise to anyone who actually wants to enjoy nursing school, while still trying to have a life. Plus I scored the highest on the mid point HESI (a state wide test, similiar to boards) of anyone in my clinical group (986, or 92% if you don't Facebook) without a single second of studying.

More positives, my kids are fed, clothed and have a roof over their heads. Most importantly they know they are loved. My husband knows he is loved, and I sure hope he knows he is appreciated. Since I try to tell him regularly, not enough, but I do try! And I have a paying job, we both do, which is something that many can't say this day and age, unfortunetly.

So this is a random, weird post. But I just wanted to get it out. I don't want anyone to think I'm whiny or ungrateful. I am super grateful. I have a ton of support, and awesome family and friends. Without which I would of failed a long time ago. I just wanted to start blogging again to use as a journal, and this is what is going on in my life right now.

I want to thank my mom for everything she does with the kids. She is mostly the reason they are fed and clothed. Plus she is their personal shuttle. With out her they would never get to school, get picked up from school, or who knows what else. Plus she still manages to schedule her Dr's appointments in there somewhere as well. How she keeps all their schedules straight plus her own, is beyond me. I'm sure there is a thousand more things too, but it's late and my brain is tired!

Kyle, the man I owe my sanity to. Without Kyle we wouldn't have clean clothes, clean dishes, we would live in squaler, and the kids would be covered in an inch of dirt, with long shaggy, uncut hair. Plus a million other things, I haven't even scratched the surface of the things he does. I love this man, always have, and always will. If there was ever someone made specifically for someone else, I am pretty sure it was Kyle for me!

Once again a really weird post, but I want to wrap it up by saying that I plan to start taking more pictures and that I hope to make this blog, once again, a cute, happpy place. (because clearly I need more on my plate!) Thanks to everyone for everything, and all of your support. I truly do have the best family and friends in the entire world! One more year of school! It is going to go by so fast, and life will hopefully be back to normal. I just hope we remember what normal was, and come out in one piece on the other side.

This was a novel, if you read it, I am both grateful and sorry, it was written mostly for me and it was probably terribly boring and not written with correct grammar by anyone's standards, especially mine!